50 Shades Of Bible
by DanDanTheToiletMan
Summary: This is a series of erotic Bible stories, all to fill your randy needs! Please take your time to read this fabulous collection. Includes parings such as Jesus/Judas, God/Satan and an OT3 pairing of the Three Wise Men.
1. Contents

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters included in these stories! All of the rights go to our Lord God - the author of the Bible.

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**Contents:**

**Written Chapters**

1. The Real Res-Erection (Jesus/Judas)

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A/N: There are some upcoming chapters, don't you worry!


	2. The Real Res-Erection

**A/N:** This is a joke guys! If you're deeply religious or homophobic, the please do not read. This is not for the soft-minded. Yes, I am aware of the fact that this never happened and I am aware at this point, Judas and Jesus weren't all mad at each other and whatever and I am messing what really happened up.

**The Real Res-Erection**

**Genre**: Romance, Angst

**Pairing:** Jesus/Judas

**Rating**: M

**Person:** First person, Jesus' point of view.

**Warnings**: M/M Pairing, blasphemy.

**Summary:** Jesus needs res-erecting, Judas is a horny son of a bitch. Read the erotic story of how Jesus really survived his excruciating death, and what Judas had to do with it. Jesus/Judas smut.

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Betrayal. That's all I, Jesus, have on my mind. How could he? The one person I truly loved – Judas. No one could have foreseen the devastation and unhappiness caused by the actions of my one true lover. Was it a mistake? A bribe? Why did he do this? Here I am now, with thousands of witnesses, my clothes strewn across the cold, filthy ground and my limbs pinned by nails which hold stories of distrust and suspicion.

Now it is the 6th hour. The final hour.

My vision fades into a blur of darkness and the demons that once pursued me in my dreams and nightmares are finally able to descend upon my soul and drag me to the very gates of hell. But wait, I awaken in a dark and mysterious place...

Was I dead? It wasn't possible. I could feel, I could think. I existed once again. I decided to take the next step. I opened my tired, irritated eyes. My pupils glistened as a mysterious figure's aura shone down like a concentrated sun ray. "God!? Father!?" I cried, feeling helpless and restrained, unable to move as I lay there tied to a cold, hard bed of solid rock and vibrant moss.

To my surprise, it was not my Father who appeared so suddenly before me. Instead, there stood a tall, slender figure with brunette hair like smooth milk chocolate, frozen into place by a solemn autumnal breeze. The sheer beauty of this man struck me with both fear and incompetence. How could I be living in a place such as this. A place where the most beautiful being ever resides. It was Judas.

Then, in realization of the fact that I lacked both clothes and dignity, I made a sudden attempt to cover my throbbing wholesome man-milk dispenser. It was no use, My arms and chest were strapped with long leather belts a bed of rock. The leather was so tight, it dented my delicate, tender flesh. It was so cold, my skin was becoming hard and frigid. But, my skin wasn't the only thing that transitioned to this state...

We were both in the nude. Bare, bald, raw and naked. Then it happens. I see his member rise, as if it were being called to the gates of heaven. His broomstick – his Excalibur, once so tender and supple was now a rigid staff. We stared at each other, glancing at our climbing appendages. "Aaahh!" I proclaimed loudly, as Judas unforgivingly snapped at my love stick with his intense, ice-like hands. My pole twirled around like a sign post being sucked into the grand during a catastrophic earthquake.

"Are you cold?" he asked calmly, with a voice so clear and sharp it could cut through even the most solid of rocks. His voice alone gave me an orgasmic sensation. How could I hold a grudge against my betrayer if he is the man of my dreams. "You look cold to me. Let's warm up shall we", he said cunningly.

He moved closer and closer, until finally, he was laying there atop my consolidated chest. Like wild mammals, we huddled together. Our temperatures began to rose, and so did our stiff wands. The transformation of our batons was complete. Both together. Both quiet. Both erect. I did not struggle, nor did I try to attack or escape. I simply lay there, accepting my fate.

Perched upon me, Judas began rubbing his body in a repetitive motion. Up and down, over and over. His meat slid across my dry, hard stomach until a sudden squirt of moisture erupted from the end of his dripping scepter. He then swung his stick into a circular motion, rubbing the fluid into my skin and lubricating my frontal region.

I was at his mercy. Judas was in control, and he knew it. He grabbed my manpower and paired it with his. I noticed that his foreskin was still intact as he rubbed my sensitive head against his shielding hood. The pleasure was unbearable. I looked back to the first time it happened between us. It was nothing compared to this. Everything was perfect: the mystery, the bondage, the nudity. I couldn't contain myself. Without any thought, I shouted "Please Judas! Untie me and let us make love until skies are green with envy and the bunnies are jealous of our ability to fornicate at a much more pleasurable and colossal rate than them!"

And so he did. He tore through the leather with his strong milk-white teeth, and detached the leather belts from across my body. But, unexpectedly, he began spanking my plump peach buttocks with them, much like Mary and Joseph did in the days of my adolescence. Despite the sudden pain and stinging feeling that followed, I found a lot of pleasure in this activity, and so allowed Judas to do as he wished.

"You are my mammal; my dog; my beast. Get on all fours now and bark for me." he rudely proclaimed. I did not question. Instead, I did as he commanded and thus he began to ride me like the donkey that carried my mother to the city of Bethlehem in my years as a foetus. My sphincter tightened and relaxed, then tightened and relaxed, endlessly as he forced his way into my rectal quarters. Then, dismounting me viciously, he told me to remain where I was.

Now, he called me his cattle. As I knelt on all fours, he reached for my righteous phallus and began caressing it up and down. I now realize why he had referred to me as cattle. He was milking me. Milking me of my manhood and virginity. This was very reminiscent of the time I walked across the desert for what seemed like 40 days and 40 nights, as that is how long we bonded for. For two days, we tried several positions. The bear claw, the Benedict Cumberbitch, the angry puritan, the corkscrew. But none of it compared to the upside down horse...

And so, we were finally done. We lay there, with trails of semen surrounding the caves surfaces. We stared into each others eyes as we lay on the floor, exhausted and overworked. "Why did you come back for me, Judas" I asked quizzically. "I love you Jesus". "I love you too Judas" I replied, "I have always and always will". But it was Judas' time to go, for he was long dead and this was merely a reanimated corpse conjured by my father, the lord. As he wandered off slowly, he turned back one last time and his eyes were locked with mine. Something magical happened that day. Something that I can't explain.

It appeared as though Judas' very soul and spirit was dancing through the air as it headed straight for my heart. Then it happened; I felt a strong rush of emotion as I absorbed Judas' soul and mind. Despite being much more powerful with the latest addition of Judas' soul, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the now ginger Judas. We said our goodbyes and had one last kiss, before we departed for the last time.

Then, I heard voices, and the cave entrance opened...

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**A/N:** Stop judging me.


End file.
